mom, i’m tired.

how do i tell my mother im tired of living?

there’s a particular fear in the idea of losing a parent- whether it be your father or mother, or both. the idea that one day i will lose my parents is one that will forever haunt my mind. losing such vital people that have influenced and raised every part of your being, is terrifying. but it’s inevitable. it’s a part of the circle of life, in its most natural form. your parents raise you, you get married, they become in-laws, you become a parent, they become grandparents. and in time, they’ll eventually pass.

this inescapable cycle of life is an expectation to everyone. but what happens if that expectation isn’t met? what if the roles were reversed? what if one is met with the unnatural? what if the daughter dies before the mother?

is that a fear our parents also hold? the fear of losing their child? i am not a parent, but i can only imagine what that pain may feel like. i think the fear of losing your parents can be equal to their fear of losing you.

but if the daughter dies before her mother, it’s unnatural. it’s supposed to be the parent who is buried by their child, not the other way around. but in this case, the daughter is buried. and the mother’s life is left purposeless.

how do i tell my mother i am tired of living? how does one even express their discontent with life to their parents? it’s so hard to do. no one wants to disappoint their parents. that is my biggest fear. i don’t want to let them down. but keeping the way i’ve been feeling away from them is eating me alive. especially because i fear that they do not suspect in the slightest, of how down i truly feel.

this fraudulent feeling has lingered around me and has made me overthink my overall genuineness in other relationships.

though i’ve contemplated being that dead daughter, im not sure if it’s the best decision. though, i’d be lying if i say the idea doesn’t cross my mind at all. i do not want to further disappoint my parents or cause them pain. but i also do not want them to know what i’ve been going through. at least not now. some may argue that i’m just an over-dramatic and irrational teen girl who spirals over minuscule issues. but frankly, it’s not up to those, to decide whether or not my issues matter. what matters is that i know my parents will not think this way and will instead be understanding and empathetic towards me when that time comes.

or at least i have faith that they will. it’s only natural for parents to support and be there for their child in times of need right?